


Torchwood in the habit...

by zazajb



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-09 05:05:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1141781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zazajb/pseuds/zazajb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Torchwood does Sister Act...with a twist and a few over-ripe peaches!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Torchwood in the habit...

  


Title: Torchwood in the habit...  
Author: zazajb  
Rating: PG-13, mild references to M/M, occasional language  
Pairings/Characters: Jack, Ianto, team  
Spoilers – set some time during s2 [before Reset], no spoilers as far as I’m aware  
Fic masterlist: <http://zazajb.livejournal.com/6286.html>  
Summary: Torchwood does Sister Act...with a twist and a few over-ripe peaches!  
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters - just like to dabble with them from time to time

Xposted to Jantolution & jackxianto

A/N Written for Crossover: challenge # 008 Redisourcolour

 

Torchwood in the habit...redisourcolour challenge #8: crossover 

“Oh, great...another one..? That’s just brilliant – _do_ tell me where I’m going to put it..!” Owen grumbled loudly as Ianto shifted the body bag uncomfortably on his shoulder.

“I don’t give a shit, just as long as it’s off my bloody shoulder...” Ianto snapped, fed up with being griped at for things so far beyond his control it was laughable, “...only make up your mind now because this one’s got spikes and they’re digging in...” he growled some very expressive and unintelligible words in Welsh as Owen broke out laughing and unceremoniously dumped the body on the floor where he stood. He walked elegantly up the steps, brushing his suit down carefully and was straightening his tie when he came face to face with his Captain who caught the end of the red silk and hauled it towards him, brushing their lips together lightly...

“Are you upsetting our medic again..?” he grinned, as the crashing sound of surgical instruments hitting the floor followed by some equally fervent swear words in perfectly understandable English floated up from autopsy.

“He seems to be his usual happy self...” Ianto quipped back, glancing around quickly before sliding his arms around Jack’s neck to pull him in for a proper kiss, Jack’s hands reaching up to tangle in his hair as they melted against each other.

“Oi, tea boy, put him down...I got a roomful of dead alien nuns that need shifting...” 

They broke apart to see Owen glaring at them, his hands on his hips. Jack merely smiled, pressing his lips softly against his Welshman’s, before releasing him. “I think Owen needs you...I’ll go get the others...”

Owen howled, “...what...more..? You have _got_ to be joking...where am I going to put them? It’s standing room only already!” 

Ianto chuckled, “...just another two...I’ll go downstairs and empty out your current residents...I’m assuming that you’re done with that Blowfish..?” 

Owen grunted in reply, “...thanks...” he muttered, turning on his heel to stomp back down the steps, a few more choice swear words echoing round as he tripped over the scattered implements on the floor...

Still grinning, Ianto headed down to the lower levels and the morgue to clear space for their latest guests, humming under his breath...

Meanwhile, Gwen was escorting the Mother Superior...or whatever she was under the nun’s outfit...down to the interview room for a few choice questions – one of which would be why there was a convent full of assorted aliens in the middle of Cardiff..!

Tosh gathered up her portable scanner and PDA and went to join Owen in autopsy...hopefully she’d be able to identify the different species whilst Owen found out what had killed them, landing Torchwood with nine dead aliens in one hit and a massive headache...

Team Torchwood swung into motion... Jack and Gwen faced the Mother Superior who had now reverted to her natural appearance - Gwen found it a little unnerving whilst Jack found it strangely comforting to see a cat in a habit...he was starting to get old now, he thought ruefully...nothing really surprises me any more...

“So, Sister, how long have you been hiding your little gathering from us...though I have to admit the guise of Carmelite nuns is pretty impressive – it’s the last place on earth I’d think of to go looking!”

“I am Sister Haine and we are all students...” the cat leant forward and spread her paws in a gentle gesture very much in keeping with her attire. Her voice was soft...she made a good nun! “We offer a place for those from off-world to study the human race from within without the need to have much interaction...you are such fascinating people...one of our number was originally from St Catherine’s in San Francisco in the country called America. She sang for _the Pope_...we saw the playbacks...it was amazing – the story went round the universe – over a trillion hits on _Earth-tube!_ ”

She sat back, sadness replacing the animated expression. “I do not know what caused this tragic loss of life...we live simply, we observe...we have no ulterior motives...”

Jack and Gwen exchanged glances. Jack put his hand over Sister Haines’s paw, “...don’t worry, we’ll find out... now Gwen will take you back to your Convent...” He leant towards Gwen, muttering quietly, “...stay with her...keep an eye out...” Gwen nodded, understanding at once.

In autopsy, Tosh was running scans, Owen was conducting post mortems and a rather fed up Ianto was moving bodies around as directed by the acerbic medic... “...right, get rid of the Laipstis...now get me the green cactus-face...the one you kindly dumped on my floor earlier..!”

“Ooh, it’s a Vinvocci...” enthused Tosh, tapping away on her PDA...”...they’re reputed to be among the most technologically advanced species in the universe....”

“Yea, we’ll they’d need to be...looking like _that’s_ gotta be a handicap...” Owen cut into the body and grimaced, turning away hurriedly, “God, that’s disgusting..!”

Ianto grinned and backed away as the stench of the alien’s innards floated outwards. “I’ll go make some coffee...” he quickened his pace – the aroma really was foul!

Owen muttered under his breath, pulling a mask over his face and tossing one to Tosh as he beckoned her over... “...see that? It’s the same in all of them so far...I think we got our cause of death...”

Ianto was sorting out beans and mugs in the kitchen when Jack sauntered in casually, pushed the door closed and gathered the Welshman into his arms, kissing him passionately, smiling against the soft and sensual mouth as tiny sighs of pleasure escaped the young man who melted against him. He nibbled on Ianto’s bottom lip, sliding his tongue into his mouth to map every contour, hands now raking over bodies and fisting through hair as their passions rose... 

They came up for air, briefly, before sinking back into more hot, wet, knee-melting kisses that grew progressively wilder as they writhed against each other, hands fumbling with belts and buttons, pressing against the bulges that strained against the restrictive confines of their trousers...

“Oi, Jack...put the tea boy down...!” the yell came from out in the main hub. “You’re not in your office so you gotta be up there...Tosh and I’ll be in the boardroom with the results of my findings...make sure he brings coffee..!”

Ianto rested his forehead against Jack’s as he caught his breath, “...that’s twice today he’s interrupted us..!” 

Jack grinned, pressing a light kiss to the end of his nose, “...what are you thinking..? Decaf?”

Ianto smirked, “I was thinking more like _instant_!”

Jack shuddered, “yuk! That’s harsh punishment! Remind me not to upset you!”

“Ok...” Ianto relented, “...decaf will do...” He captured Jack’s lips gently before steering him out the door, “I’ll be down in a minute with the coffee...”

They sat around the table sipping their coffee as Owen loaded his findings up on the view screen, blissfully unaware he was drinking decaf. “Ok, so this is what’s landed us with Torchwood’s version of Sister Act...” 

“ _What_ is that?” Jack stared at Owen

“ _That_ is a peach, Jack!”

“No...I meant what is Sister Act?”

Owen stared at him, “...you’ve never heard of Sister Act? You need to see it – film, about a bar room singer who witnesses a murder so the detective hides her in a convent while they wait for a trial date – Whoopi Goldberg in a habit...great fun...and they say it was based on real life events... Homework for you and tea boy here is to watch it...”

Ianto grimaced, he hated that film...for a moment he regretted his decision to not give Owen instant coffee...next time he wouldn’t be so forgiving..! He leant forward, “...right, singing nuns aside, what is the significance of the peach?”

Owen grinned, “...they’d all eaten fresh peaches very recently, I’d say soft, over-ripe peaches, which fermented in their stomachs and basically they died from alcohol poisoning...” he glanced across at Tosh for confirmation.

Nodding agreement, Tosh tapped on her PDA and pulled up pictures of the different species they’d identified under the nun’s outfits. “These are the ones we’ve been able to match to our database – in fact, there’s only one we don’t yet know what it is, but it doesn’t really matter...they’ve all got an intolerance to the natural acid sugar in soft fruit – their systems are just not cut out to deal with it, so it stayed in their bodies and fermented...I expect you’ll find they were behaving strangely an hour or so before they succumbed – basically, they were drunk, but because it didn’t pass through them it carried on fermenting and poisoned them!”

Jack nodded. “Good work, let’s get them stashed in the morgue and call it a day... I’ll call Gwen...”

Owen stood up, “...guess they died ‘nun’ too happy..! ” he chortled as he sauntered back down to autopsy, delighted with his own joke.

Ianto frowned as the medic left the boardroom. Jack looked at him, “You ok?”

“Yeah, fine...” he forced a smile and started collecting the mugs.

“No, you’re not...” Jack wasn’t fooled. He pulled the Welshman into his arms and held him tight. “What’s up..?”

Ianto buried his face in Jack’s neck. “You’ll laugh...” he mumbled.

“No I won’t...” immediately forcing a grin away...Ianto was so sweet when he was embarrassed... ”...tell me...”

“I don’t like nuns...they...scare me...” he tensed in Jack’s hold, bracing himself for whatever came next...relaxing a little when Jack merely tightened his hold and dropped a gentle kiss to the top of his head. “When I first saw that film I was about eight and I had nightmares for weeks about them all in black, especially the one with all that hair at the end when she’s in front of the Pope...” He lifted his head to make sure Jack wasn’t laughing at him.

“Oh, sweetheart...we’ll watch it together...” He pressed a soft kiss to his lips, “...and I promise to make sure you don’t have any nightmares...ok?” Tugging Ianto closer, he reclaimed his exquisite mouth and they lost themselves in delicious kisses, their senses soaring as their bodies responded eagerly...picking up where they’d left off earlier, desire raging through them as they tore at each other’s buttons...

They jumped as the comm system burst into life and Owen’s voice blared over the speakers, “...if you two could hold off shagging for a bit longer, I need some help shifting these bloody nuns down to the morgue... _two minutes tea boy...”_ The comms shut down.

Panting hard, Ianto bit his lip. He met Jack’s amused gaze with a roll of his eyes...”that’s three times now...” he raised an eyebrow...

Jack nodded his agreement, “...tomorrow – definitely instant! Come on, the sooner we shift these bodies, the sooner he’ll go home...” 

He planted a lingering kiss on those wonderful kiss swollen lips before following him out the door and down to autopsy, chuckling as Ianto muttered darkly, “three interruptions...three days on instant...that’ll get him out of that habit...with or without the bloody nuns!

End

  



End file.
